good Monday morning to you

as I sit here, I am getting ready to head into my art studio for a little play time...I am feeling called to be there this morning as I continue to release emotional stuff which is no longer serving me. last week, a flashback to a family story came to my mind's eye.....i know the story well, I've told it a few times. yet , it struck me differently this time. because it did, it got my attention. the message I felt around this was, time to really look within to see what's beneath the surface. Man, I said , does this work ever come to an end. I guess not , as a human being on a spiritual journey , part of the process is reconnecting and embracing our soul's essence. how can we so do, if our inner closets are filled with ghosts so to speak that may stop us from going forth.

so the story is I am a 13 year old girl and it's christmas night. the extended family has gathered to celebrate Christmas. there is lots of noise, laughter, conversations and the smell of food lingers in the air. we are in this tiny basement or so it seems tiny , cramped and a little creepy . we are all here...my aunts, uncles, cousins, mom, dad and my siblings. a Christmas tree fits neatly into the corner. there's a Christmas gift laying underneath it....little did I know it was for me.  somewhere along the way, my father calls on everyone....the room becomes quiet so to speak...he hands me this box that looks like a shoe box of sorts, it wrapped in pretty paper and I m wondering why a present for me as we had already unwrapped our gifts at home on Christmas eve, our inner family tradition. he can't help but laugh....he's up to something but what, I had no clue.  Now remember, I am a 13 year old female, coming into puberty....impressionable, naive and interested in boys. I am tiny, scrawny looking, petite....no shape really, at that moment in time. my body is growing into womanhood and it's just in the beginning stages. ok..Di will you tell us what's in this famous xmas box you are speaking of. WEll here it is. I unwrap the box with much anticipation , trepidation and curiosity of a young 13 year old girl. as I lift the cover, my father is laughing, thinking himself so funny. in the box, is the biggest bra one could find at the time....the bra has been stuffed with tea towels, in the centre of the bra is a little prescription like container with cream in it. the instructions were to apply 3 times a day to the breast area so that my breast will grow. He was making fun of my tiny budding breast. leading to this moment, my father, had often made reference to my breast as  mosquito bites, thinking he was funny when he said this. The entire family laughing at me!!!  I was shrinking with embarrassment, with shame..... in that moment I felt ashamed of my tiny body which was just coming into womanhood.

When the memory popped in for a visit last week, I thought for a moment of disregarding it once again. that's the easy thing to do ....I had done so , so many times before. it's part of growing up I said to myself....I in some way had numb the pain...didn't want to acknowledge how this may have impacted me, the way I saw my body, the way I felt as a woman, the way I interacted sexually with my man....did this incident which was a really bad practical joke played by my dad impact me....thus my inward journey began at a deeper level. my inner goddess calling me to heal it once and for all. in order to do so, I need to go within and explore my feelings around it.....

my first step was to  begin with journalling...it's my favourite go to tool that works best for me....a box of kleenex nearby for I knew tears would come at some point...feelings of anger, sadness, shame flowing right beneath the surface. I was feeling so raw, so vulnerable and thought to myself....do I really want to go in and see what's in this closet...dare i want to go in and discover...what if there's more?  honestly, I was tempted to just leave it and not do anything with it at all...let it be a memory...what I do know based on my journey thus far, this memory will continue to haunt me so to speak until I release it for healing...the under curent of anger would continue to flow and would impede more love from flowing into my being, into my life....so, I PAUSED, I TOOK SOME REALLY DEEP BIG BREATHS AND CONNECTED WITH MY HEART CENTRE ...called on God, my divine team to hold this sacred place of love for me while I dove into the inner realm to discover what lies there for me to find.

I will continue to share my story with you tomorrow.....

my questions to you are: will you dare go within when something like this comes up for you? will you dare set yourself free or will you choose to put your head back into the sand where it often feels more comfortable to do so, perhaps may feel more acceptable to do so.

will you dare acknowledge all of the feelings or will you keep burying them deep within because that's what you ve been taught to do in some fashion?

will you dare let love in when it's knocking on your door?

the Love in me salutes the love in you

diane

intuitive spiritual coach & teacher